Which Hypoallergenic, Organic, and Sustainably-Farmed Soap You Should Use (According to Your Zodiac Sign)

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Soap is essential, but are you using the right kind?  And most importantly, does your soap correspond to your astrological sign?

Here are the best, hypoallergenic, organic, and sustainably-farmed soaps you should be cleansing with (based on your zodiac sign):

Aquarius

You really vibe with Hippies, and you look like you stepped out of the musical “Hair.” Your perfect soap is simple, floral, and still living in her parent’s garage as she continues to sell her charming watercolor “vases” on the internet. You’re finding yourself.

The soap you should use:

Liquified Hemp with a Hint of Quinoa Soap

Pisces

You’re a little weirdo. Yes you are, yes you are. You actually enjoy topping your pizza with anchovies. Disgusting.

The soap you should use:

Fish Oil Infused with Squid Ink Soap

Aries

I’m an Aries too, you lucky duck. That’s why your soap smells like mozzarella sticks, Sriracha, and chronic regret.

The soap you should use:

Pizza Rolls That You Submerged in Spicy Ketchup for 3 Hours

Taurus

You enjoy wearing leopard print in public because you also enjoy watching the world burn.

The soap you should use:

Axe Body Spray Mixed with Cayenne Pepper Soap

Gemini

Ugh, nobody likes a Gemini. GemiWHY, am I right?

The soap you should use:

Your Mother’s Disappointment

Cancer

You’re prone to headaches.

The soap you should use:

Crushed Up Advil with a Hint of Mint Soap

Leo

“Simba, let me tell you what my father told me. Look at the stars. The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars. So whenever you feel alone, just remember, that those kings will always be there to guide you and so will I.”

The soap you should use:

Tears, Pure Tears

Virgo

You’re smart, attractive, wealthy, and sociable. You exercise everyday, and nutritionists praise your diet. You’ve never had a blemish, and you’re a social butterfly indulging in the perfect love life. Also, your farts smell like petunias.

The soap you should use:

I Hate You

Libra

You’re not the brightest flame in the house fire. You once thought that you could procure antibiotics from the inside of a medicine ball. You once thought that Facebook was literally an anthology of human faces. You once thought that your Aunt Deborah brought up good points during Christmas dinner.

The soap you should use:

Miniscule Pieces of Rock Candy

Scorpio

You’re ferocious. Children fear you when you walk through the grocery store aisles. Drivers avoid you when you’re speeding down the highway toward your destination. You accomplish your goals because your intensity obliterates all obstacles.

The soap you should use:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Soap

Sagittarius

As the self-identified Grumpypants of your friend group, you find a way to criticize everything. You make statements like: “That pizza’s too cheesy.” “This hip new juice bar is trying too hard.” “The Gemini walking down the street needs to put a paper bag on her head.”

The soap you should use:

A Really Salty Potato Chip

Capicorn

Who are you again?

The soap you should use:

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